Tales of a Mermaid Gone Over the Deep End

 

 

Tales of a Mermaid Gone Over the Deep End

by Teresa Fischtner 

GENRE: Non-fiction (biography/autobiography)

Advance praise (payback) for Teresa Fischtner:

"Well, this is a little embarrassing. I didn't actually read the WHOLE book, but it's probably pretty good. I'm not sure what she said about me, but you should know—SHE shot me in the back on my 19th birthday!"

– Ronny Fischtner (author's son)

 

"I love my mom and I love MOST of this book. It should be noted that my bowling has improved, I've given up hockey, accounting is for nerds, pancakes is food for super heroes and no one needs to count how many boyfriends I've had."

– Malyn Fischtner (author's daughter)

 

"I'm pleased to be the source of so much humour for my wife. I just wish she didn't feel the need to publish it."

– Ron Fischtner (author's husband)

 

"It was the last class of the evening that I was teaching, and we were doing our stretches, and at the surface of the water I noticed a single floating nipple happily bobbing away on its own. Unsure if its owner was still in the water, I quietly asked the nearest lady, "Excuse me, could you just pass me that nipple over your right shoulder?

 

"There I held a lovely C-cup breast that went rogue. I made posters for the lost breast (seriously, I made missing boob posters). No one claimed her. I introduced her to all the instructors, but no one recognized her (honestly, they all look the same after a few years at the pool). No one ever claimed Betty (yes, we gave her a name). Betty stayed on the teachers' table in our special little box for a long time. Eventually, like all good boobs, she wrinkled up, lost her bounce, and sagged lower and lower in the box until we all forgot how much fun she was when we first found her."

 

This is a feel-good book of true short stories about me, my family, friends, and my aquafit business, Over the Deep End. We all have stories to share, and the true ones are always the best. I'm sharing some of my most vulnerable moments, some of my greatest moments, and some of my saddest. Hopefully, in one story or another, you find something way better than me—you might find you. We all have a story and a different way to tell it. I hope telling my stories helps you tell some of your own.

EXCERPT:

Sometimes life hands you lemons, and sometimes life hands you breast cancer (makes lemons taste sweet, huh?!) Most of my aqua fitters are women, so breast cancer is a language we speak. My mom had breast cancer, so, I will start with the sad tears, but I promise, happy tears are coming. (If there is a lump in your throat already, don’t take a pass on this—tears are just emotions bubbling over. Let them out, or they turn into a tsunami, and no one needs that shit!)

 

I was a teenager when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She needed her breast removed. Mother of four strong-minded young ladies; she wasn’t going into surgery alone (poor Dad with all that estrogen fuming). She had surgery, and all her girls were there in her room after she got out of recovery. Anyone that has been under anesthesia knows how emotional you get out of that tunnel. I only knew my mom to cry when laughing. This was different. No one knew what to do with “this Mom,” and that included my dad. He left her room in a hurry with his head in his hands. We girls took the front lines. Dad didn’t go AWAL; he went to the florist. He was back with the biggest bunch of yellow roses I’d ever seen. He cried like a baby while he hugged my mom. I was so proud of him.

 

Mom was released from hospital with home care from VON. She had a nurse come to the house to change her dressing and check the wounds daily. Her nurse was a man named Murray. I have a brother named Murray. What are the chances? Who cares; never look a gift horse in the mouth! Every night at dinner, when my fair-haired, easy-to-blush brother was at the dinner table, someone would ask, “What did Murray think of your breasts today, Mom?” My mom, never to miss an opening, would say, “Murray really liked what he saw!” Laughs all the way round, even from poor Murray.

 

Are you back on track with smiles? Good, I’m glad.

 

Years later, I was teaching aqua fit and had participants that had recovered from mastectomies. I always encouraged them not to wear prosthetics in the pool. These women would be so consumed with keeping their boobs in place— not too high, not too low—they weren’t listening to me! What the hell? Miss a great workout for the sake of your boobs? Not on my watch.

 

It was the last class of the evening that I was teaching, and we were doing our stretches, and at the surface of the water, I noticed a single floating nipple happily bobbing away on its own. Unsure if its owner was still in the water, I quietly asked the nearest lady, “Excuse me, could you just pass me that nipple over your right shoulder?”

About the Author:

Teresa Fischtner is an "aqua entrepreneur." After 25 years working in accounting, she changed careers and started teaching aquafit at her family pool. Customers come to "Over the Deep End" for full body workouts in deep water and they leave with a sense of community and friendship that Teresa has created, and all her mermaids and mermen continue to nurture.

 

This is Teresa's first book; she writes from her heart with honesty and humour. Comments and kindness always welcome at teresa@overthedeepend.ca.

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